And I shall sail my good ship across the world. Or at least to the other side of the living room.

Dear Smallest Cat;

It is a good thing you are generally delightful, because this morning’s antics would have otherwise been grounds for dismissal.

I have pardoned your 3am-is-for-fun-kitty-play-teims business before because none of it involved either destruction or pain. The occasional nose-boop or paw in my mouth during the wee hours of the morning, while a break in my natural sleep patterns, is sort of sweet. I like to believe that you are checking to make sure that I’m still alive, or just investigating the funny smell of night breath, as you are inexperienced in such things, being small and new. And so no big deal.

But this morning was a terrible thing to behold. Tho’ I am glad that you were able to put your cavorting off until 7am instead the usual of 3am, please note that this is Sunday, and I was up until almost two in the morning. Which is to say, 7am is a rather dreadful time to begin by knocking things over and breaking glassware beside the bed.

Additionally, little friend, I can find some praise for your climbing skills, and I appreciate that you are pleased with yourself for making it all the way up to the curtain rod on your own, but the noisy battle you fought on the way up was less than conducive to my rest. Additionally, the drapes may well have suffered some permanent damage; we will know once they have spent the day at the dry cleaner’s.  This is why I sprayed you with the squirt bottle. If this were a world where you paid for the dry-cleaning and patching of the drapes, I would apologize about the squirt bottle, but as it stands, such is not the case.

Also please note, I sprayed you with the squirt bottle when you tried to climb up to the top of my bedside, because you should know with certainty by now that the bedside is Off Limits. Additionally, because you launching yourself with outstretched back claws for better purchase, to said top of the bedside, from my face is an unpleasant way for me to wake up, as you could probably ascertain. Those were not shrieks of delight that I issued.

In closing, I would like to tell you that I really enjoyed playing fetch with you once I was awake and out of bed. I would like to play fetch with you on a regular basis. In fact, it is the combination of your fetch skills and your sweet nose-boops that have convinced the Moskowitz household to keep you on. Also, you are soft and snuggly when the mood strikes you, and these are boons to your career – feel free to cultivate these traits.

But let us be clear, I would love to play with you really any time – as long as I am no longer in bed, attempting the sad little eight hours of sleep that humans need in order to operate in the world as sympathetic and kind creatures. I entreat you to cease and desist any noisy doings in while I am abed.

May your adversaries always be admirable, may you let me sleep the night through so that we can play again in the morning.

Sincerly,
Apple
The Management

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