(clicky on the pic to embiggen)

There are some things that I’m just not so great at – for example, patience. I’m frequently crappy at patience.* And cards. I’m terrible at remembering to get cards into the mail on time. My brother knows this,** and he has a tendency to call me on the mornings of relatives’ birthdays to remind me to pick up the phone and to drop a card at the post office. Often I have the card in advance – on my desk, sealed up and stamped, even! It’s just the getting it to the mailbox that somehow stymies me.

Sometime in 2000 my mom got this great idea – she picked up a couple of notebooks, and told me that we would exchange them every year on Mother’s Day. The idea is that we could journal our travels through the world, and make a keepsake while we’re at it. So every year I get a book from her, and I put a page together in the other one for her. I’m supposed to mail it. I almost always receive hers by mail. What usually happens on my end tho’, is that I hand it to her the next time I see her. For a while we joked that this was less a Mother’s Day book than it was a Thanksgiving book. Thankfully, my mom is a font of patience.

So I’ve been trying to figure out for the last month just what to put on my page this year. I couldn’t come up with anything and it was annoying the bejeezus out of me. Lately I’ve felt, on a lot of levels, that I just don’t have that much to bring to the table – it’s been exasperating how I’ve managed to trip myself up by feeling un-good enough. I’ll have an idea, and then somehow my head turns it around into this thing where I think it’ll turn out poorly, or will be unacceptable to other people, or that I’m being childish, or that the things I have to say aren’t worth saying out loud. I hate hate hate when I get into that kind of groove rut, because then it then spirals and builds on itself until I have a full-blown crisis of confidence.

And then last night I woke from a dead sleep in realization that Mom’s coming into town on Friday and I haven’t done my page yet x.x I’m completely busy on Thursday, and Friday morning may or may not be a wash. That is to say, I needed to get this thing together today.

Well, you know what? Sometimes deadlines are super good for me. In knowing that I needed to produce something today, I was able to let go of everything confidence-related and just simply do. I can’t tell you how good that felt, the simple letting go and diving in. And I’m pleased with where it turned out, even =)

I just realized this morning that we’ve been doing this project for over ten years now – kinda cool, huh? May we continue for many more decades.


*On the other hand, sometimes I can be downright amazing at being patient – stupid Gemini moon playing both sides of the game. Hi, I’m Apple, and I play emotional chess with myself.
**He likes to consider it self-absorption. Also he’s still mad that I forgot his birthday this year. I’m still pretty mad at myself too, actually QQ