I’ve been thinking a lot about devotion the last few weeks – about self-application, and about trust in the universe while doing the hard work. I had a discussion last summer* wherein a poet staying at our house was talking about being a pretty lucky kind of guy – but only if he put in the hard work. I agreed with him that that had been my experience as well.

But persistence and I have a relationship of push-pull that rivals the best of ’em, I tell ya. Some days I’m good – I’m really good – get metric craploads done, have breakthroughs, get amazing stuff accomplished. In the worst of times, I lose steam, lose faith in myself or other people,** and then wind up on the couch for a snack and a little lie down that turns into a nine hour nap.

This is another component of the Big Work I’ve been hammering at. I forget my own strength a lot. Or I remember it just around the edges – like I can see it in my peripheral vision, but can’t focus on it if I look at it directly. Then my head starts yammering about a zillion things, some even relevant, and I forget to look for it – whoops.***

When I find the focus, the devotion, things really go pretty well. Let’s take Sunday’s raid, for example –

That up there, behind the people who had just screamed into mumble in relief moments earlier, is a dead monster. Cho’gall, to be precise. He is one tough boss.**** He was a three weeks of progression boss. We could have quit – we could have. All the signs were there, but we didn’t give it up. And we got our nerd points for our troubles, as well as the whoop of triumph  loud enough to rouse Man Cub from bed. Three weeks, friends. Three weeks. Of wipes, yes, but, um… Can I say this? I will say this: sort of fun wipes.

I need to keep in mind how much I like progression. The learning, the process of being and making and getting good at something. That whole journey-is-the-destination thing is pretty spot-on. Yet I’m pretty good at forgetting about it – I get all excited about the end product instead of what’s going on, and then wind up, well, you know, on the couch with a popsicle and a pillow. convinced that I’m a big clown who can’t even manage video games, much less make a business happen and get dinner on the table for my family on time.

This is what I’m going to work on right now. The devotion – being very very present for my life and my projects. I’m doing another daily yoga challenge, for a start, which always seems to get my business in line at least a little bit (and also has the added benefit of making my hips less stiff). I’m making a goal list every Sunday, and I’m working on knocking stuff off it with regularity. I’m going to keep reminding myself that I’m brave and accept challenges until I actually feel brave. And believe that from that, things will come together.

That’s all, really =)

***

*The day we put the air conditioners in the windows, actually. I remember the conversation really clearly.
**The velociraptor at the door that scares me by telling me about (all) the meannesses in the world until I’m overwhelmed? Stupid velociraptor. he says he’s just giving me fair warning about what’s out there, but really? He’s a jerk.
***Then I lose “the game”?
****Tho’ for some reason, I find that fight a little easier than the Atramedes fight. That blind dargon can hear me coming from Maloriak’s room,  swear to two-headed stun-dog.

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