Dear Mrs. Montpelier,

Firstly, I would like to thank you for your kind words about my garments. I am a self-taught seamstress, so admirers are always welcomed with a warm heart. Therefore it is with some discomfort that I write this letter, and ask you to please stop calling my house.

Please understand that I only design dresses for Fabulous Ladies. Which is to say, I only design dresses* for men**. I am well acquainted with the problem solving involved in hiding naughty candy with fabric structures, in plumping up bosoms which may or may not be removable, in flattering calves supporting 6’4″ of Gorgeous in size 13 pumps, and in creating an hourglass figure around the focal point of tummy over squareish hips.

But in terms of formal evening wear for fourteen-year-old girls, ma’am, I am in the woods. And as this is your daughter’s pageant that we are talking about, I am not willing to risk her win by creating  a dress for her***. The only upside of a dress made by my hand for her would be that she could  dance in it – but only to a soundtrack of Gloria Gaynor hits****.

I hope that you can understand my trepidation in creating a gown for this special event. I wish you much luck in finding the perfect gown, and if you like, I can put you in touch with some very good designers whom I know through the Livejournal communities. Also, please feel free to contact me when your son comes of age and gets involved in the pageant world. I will make him a ball gown to die for.

Apple Moskowitz


*I also design some cosplay wear, but not very much
**I use that term as a point of clarification and for efficiency only, as not all my clientele would prefer to be called men. In this instance, the term shall cover anyone who has, or has at one time had, as part of their bodily structure, a penis.
***As an aside, if your daughter would like to attend the pageant dressed as either an Azerotheran furbolg or as Sailor Moon, I can help you with that.
****The fabric has a mind of its own.